Monday, January 26, 2009

Part two of my How To Survive a B Movie guide - rules to be followed if you ever find yourself suspecting you are a character in a low budget SF movie:
  • Make Sure People are What They Say They Are - If your husband has stopped blinking, forgets your middle name, and has to turn his whole upper body to look at you, get used to the idea that he is no longer your husband but merely an empty husk, animated by some gelatinous blob with three eyes - and get used to it fast because you're next (after he kills the dog).
  • Throw Things At Monsters - Throw anything. When you are faced with a giant rampaging radioactive monster tearing up the commercial district, throw everything you've got at it. Not just the usual massive amounts of high explosives and air strikes by stock footage, or even the hastily rigged devices that deliver the entire output of the Hoover Dam through a convenient railway track; you'll only annoy it and probably make it bigger. No, the thing to do is rush into the nearest grocery store and start throwing things at the beasty. Anything that comes to hand. Bread, salt, Cheesy Wotsits, anything. I guarantee you that within minutes you and your surviving scientist chums will be looking down at its smouldering remains saying things like: "With all the knowledge of science we were powerless. Who would have guessed that the answer lay in a simple salami sandwich...?"
  • It's in the Old Mine Just Outside of Town! - Whatever it is, it's in the old mine just outside of town. No need to look in the mine to check, it's in there, just blow the bugger up.
  • Never Trust a Scientist - even if you fancy the tits off his daughter. Scientists are either mad, frustrated, would-be despots driven insane by years of scornful dismissal of their 'life's work', or blinkered idealists, unable to see the inevitable consequences of their actions. Either way they end up fiddling with things 'man is not meant to know'* and are best avoided. Especially if the conversation ever gets round to keeping brains alive in jars (qv).
  • Never Have Anything to Do With a Scientist's Beautiful Daughter - I know this is a total no brainer but it does need saying. It's just asking for trouble. If, on the other hand, you find you are the beautiful daughter of an ageing scientist, move to Australia (or Wales if he's Australian). Do not, under any circumstances, accompany him on expeditions up obscure Central African or South American rivers, or anywhere else where there is even the remotest chance of encountering a gorilla.

Enough! I will add more later but please keep in mind there will be a test. All students will be abandoned in a small town in the middle of Utah or Nevada or somewhere else with Joshua trees just as something falls from the sky / starts eating the locals / becomes radioactively gigantic / or any combination of the above.

* A full and comprehensively detailed list of all the things 'man is not meant to know' is available on request.

1 comment:

Phoebe J. Southwood said...

I need the list. Of all the things man is not meant to know. By next Tuesday.

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