last night of the show tonight and I stank the place up. I was awful. I was totally unfocussed for the first act, gave myself a stern talking to in the interval, and was just getting into the swing of things when I bollocksed up the opening line of my final speech just before the massacre scene. I rescued it but I was fucking furious with myself. My prop retractable bladed knife snapped as I skewered the chieftain and I had to cut his wife's throat with an empty handle. I managed to disguise the fact that I was wandering around stage killing people with a small, very blunt piece of plastic by ostentatiously wiping blood of a blade that wasn't there with a cloth. Once I was off stage I ripped another of the prop knives off the end of a wooden rifle to which it had been taped to act as a bayonet. Back on stage to stab my doxie in the belly (my character was a real evil shit) and managed to add extra authenticity to her demise by practically concussing the poor girl as I whacked her in the face with my shoulder as I stabbed her. Then off stage left and rush round behind stage to enter stage right picking up two rifles on the way (one minus its bayonet) to shoot and then bayonet - or at least severely poke - the last two victims.

It a performance now immortalised on video. Why they had to shoot this performance not last night's much better show I don't know but I'm planning on seeing if I can get myself edited out

I'm glad that's over. In three weeks time I will be stinking up the stage in the village panto.