Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I know my monthly 'Every Movie I Have Watched' posts don't exactly fill people with joy so here is the Readers' Digest version of just about every film I have watched over the last couple of years. Instead of, once a month, wading through my arse-numbingly tedious rants about thirty or so films I destroyed my brain with - just come here and read this instead. It'll save you hours.

Every Film I Have Watched in the Last Month:
The Short Form

A one-eyed cyborg bounty hunter, driven by the memory of his dead wife, stalks the post-apocalyptic wastelands known, as usual, as the 'Forbidden Zone'. He hunts down 'renegades' who are jailed, then forcibly recruited into taking part in Man's first (and therefore doomed) manned mission to Mars. Tricked into accompanying them by the Evil Corporation that runs everything, the cyborg meets a comely young female crew member with a penchant for wearing thin T-shirts and getting wet. On the way to Mars they encounter a derelict spaceship of unknown origin, board it and unwittingly bring back on-board a biologically unlikely (all teeth and penises), shape-changing, ravening creature which eats the crew one by one in order of ethnicity. The one-eyed cyborg and the girl with big knockers survive after outrageously breaking the fundamental laws of physics*. The end.

This film was almost certainly watched on a VHS tape that came in a big box with a picture on the front of a vaguely symmetrical (but unshaven) hero wearing a bandanna wrapped round his mullet, and holding some form of giant futuristic pump-action machine gun. The cover will also sport a woman almost not wearing a bikini while holding a very big sword with both hands. There will also be three cars, stripped of their roofs and gussied up with the sort of pointy, overly showy armour Renaissance knights used to pimp their horses with.

Above all this wish-fulfilling art work, that usually bears very little relation to what actually appears on the screen, the film's title is in block capitals and filled with a metallic gradient.

The film will almost certainly be preceded by trailers for films no one has ever heard of - many of them starring Emily Lloyd.

I love it.

*The Evil Corporation has really good lawyers and will get them off on appeal.

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