Friday, June 01, 2007

Hello much neglected Blog.

Neglected because nothing of any sort of interest or amusement has happened over the last week or so. Apart from adding to the steadily growing list of totally shite movies I have watched this month* I have done very little - Highlights of the week (so far) include Holly discovering new ways to bewilder me:

Holly, being five, has mastered the art of the toilet. Holly being five has got bored with just using the toilet the same way every day and is starting to try variations on a theme. So far this week these have included pooing in a waste paper basket and going for a pee on the toilet while 'wearing' a sleeping bag.

Merriol finding new ways to bewilder me:

In our kitchen we have a big sink and a small dishwasher. We have the big sink because I bought it at an auction years ago, a huge industrial stainless steel double sink and draining boards. Came out of some hotel and I love it. It's a pity it has some weird Bulgarian standard pipe fittings and solid lead waste traps, which means it is connected to the rest of the world with vast quantities of Deso tape and finger-crossing because nothing we have found will actually attach to the waste pipes. We have a small dishwasher because there is not a lot of room for anything else in the kitchen with the sink in there and Merriol hated doing washing up by hand so much she bought me it for a birthday present.

Merriol and I have this recurring conversation (which only happens in my head)

I do all the housework. I'm fed
up with doing all the house work!

No you don't do all the housework!
I... er... I emptied one of the upstairs
waste paper baskets ... last week... sometime.

See, I do - well, okay I don't; but I do do
ninety-nine point nine nine nine (stop
me when you get the message) nine nine nine..

I get the message!

I think it was after a real-life version of this conversation that M bought me the dishwasher.

Occasionally she will, without any provocation, load the thing (ie without me getting all stroppy and slamming around the house in full I'M DOING ALL THE HOUSEWORK AGAIN! martyrdom mode). Usually this consists of 'filling it up' with three plates, a mug, and about seven knives and a spoon. She doesn't put a lot in - but boy does it come out clean. I, on the other hand, cram the thing so full I can hardly shut the bugger sometimes. I spend ages arranging dishes and plates so every cubic millimetre of the machine is filled with filthy pots. They might not be quite as clean as the stuff Merriol puts through but the dirty pots don't back up in the kitchen quite so fast.

The other day Merriol pulled a stunner.

Faced with a mountain of dirty pots and pans she decided to - put the washing-up bowl through the dishwasher...


Daisy has yet to bewilder me this week. I think she is luring me into a false sense of security.

The only other thing I have been doing is the occasional bit of woodworkery down at Mags and Simon's. A lot of the time spent cursing and fulminating against cheap rubbish scews and cheap rubbish screwdrivers. With all respect to Baz Lurman, Nat King Cole and any one else who has recorded or used "Nature Boy "The greatest thing you'll ever learn," is not "How to love, and be loved in return..." but "DON'T BUY CHEAP TOOLS!". Buying cheap tools is just a total fucking waste of time, effort, money, natural resources and just about everything else you can think of. It is pointless. Having said that one of my favourite screwdrivers (I'm sad; I have favourite screwdrivers) cost me a quid in a cheapo "Everything for a Pound" shop many years ago. This was back in the days when cheap rubbish tools were made in India not China where cheap rubbish tools are made these days. Back then even cheap rubbish tools used to be made from real steel made in real steel mills from Iron and Cobalt and all the other stuff real steel is made from. Now they are made from recycled fridges which we ship out there, and which are probably just melted down without even taking the magnets off the front, or checking to see if anyone took the milk out first. As soon as it's vaguely liquid, the resultant sludge is poured into tool shaped moulds and shipped west as fast as possible with some stiff packaging to stop them getting bent in transit.

Screwdrivers are supposed to be able to put more than one screw in before you have to junk them!

*Titles watched recently include: The Robot Vs. The Aztec Mummy, Robot Holocaust, and The Fury Of The Wolfman.

** Merriol's dishwasher habits almost probably grossly exaggerated for comic effect.

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