Saturday, March 08, 2008

I had a moment of clarity tonight about my bad movie habit. I suspect, in part, it is because like everyone else who loves movies to bits, I am secretly in my heart of hearts a wanabee film maker, a film maker manqué. Every time I watch a film a part of me is so jealous of everyone who was involved in making it. Even if it is a total stinker I find the whole process of making a movie so fascinating that I would have loved to have been there, been involved somehow. I love movies. I really do and, my short and not very brilliant career in Hollywood aside, I have come to realise I will never be involved in any shape or form in creating any meaningful contribution to the world's collective filmic experience*. Furthmore, if I ever did suddenly find myself in possession of a several sesquillion dollars and indulged my heartfelt fantasy of directing a movie - there is this deep deep fear that I will end up producing something so irredeemably, stenchingly godawful that I will go down in the history books of crap - along with the gods like Ed Wood Jr., Ray Dennis Steckler, Edward G Ulmer, W. Lee Wilder, and all the rest of the pantheon of demented underachievers who so fascinate me.

Part of me is sitting there laughing at the ineptitude and frustrated ambition on display, part of me, I now realise, is peeking from behind my internal sofa at the horror that might have been if I had actually ever been given / taken / made the chance to put my 'vision' (not that I ever had one) on the screen. Cheap, back of an envelope psychology I know, but if we are all truly fascinated by what we fear most then my deepest fear must be that I will turn into a bad film director. And I thought it was swimming pools - you live and learn.

*the film rights to this blog ARE still available...


Anonymous said...

Nice IMDb entry. I mean, if you're going to be second assistant film editor (does that mean you're ready to take over if the assistant film editor calls in sick?) on one film then why not one categorized as

Plot Keywords:Lesbianism / Female Nudity / Humor / Lesbian / Betrayal

Directed by Donald Cammell? Wasn't he the one who broke the land speed record?

Junk Monkey said...

A Second Assistant Film editor makes the coffee.

Phoebe said...

OK, Liam.

1) I need to send you all my work. It is all total shit. But I loved doing it. Process, dude. Process. You will spend that entire process worrying about the end product. Which may well end up being shit. But you learn the whole time, and you come together with people and make *something*

2) Intentionally make a bad film. My god, man! You must the world's foremost expert! You can totally pull off a parody of a B movie. Or simply a B movie.

3) Please look at all Dr. Who before 2000. PLEASE! How belove'd is that show? How completely it is made on £5? Go find your tool boxes and make golf tee unicorn model monsters.

4) The world needs you to make movies. You are too funny and too smart to be hiding your light under the blue cathode basket of your TV.

5) Go get any camera you can afford, and don't go freaking out about the perfect one. Make films with your family, and then with your friends, the schools, etc. Show them to the world, screenings at the Village hall or your living room, you tube. Or not. But go ahead and make some stuff.

6) Remember this pep talk and give it back to me when I come whining to you about the quality of the work we produce in our burgeoning film collective "One Horned Goat".

Missing CD? Contact vendor

Free CD
Please take care
in removing from cover.

Copyright (c) 2004-2007 by me, Liam Baldwin. That's real copyright, not any 'creative commons' internet hippy type thing.

(this copyright notice stolen from

eXTReMe Tracker