Friday, January 16, 2009

Oh No! I am Alergic To Music. Help! Help!

Aha! Half way through January and I still haven't posted my Every Crappy Movie I Have Watched This Month list for last month yet. A situation I shall immediately remedy by pressing the Ctrl and V keys on the keyboard in front of me and pasting it (unless of course I have - as is very possible - managed to bung something else into the clipboard in the 35 seconds since I copied it.)

  1. The Horror of Party Beach
    - (MST3K) A legendary bad movie this one (mostly because it was featured in the Medveds' Golden Turkey Awards) which deserves the ridicule heaped upon it by them, the MST3K crew, me, and everyone else who wants to have a shot. One of those films in which you end up asking yourself, "What were they thinking?" far to often. Grade-A poop.
  2. Alien From L.A.
    - (MST3K) Ho booyyyy! I really don't what to say about this one. Nerdy American teenage girl falls down a hole in Africa while in half hearted search of her missing scientist dad and finds herself in a post-punk New Romantic totalitarian Atlantis populated by Australian acting students. Made with a (for the time) flashy rock video style which did a lot to disguise the cheapness of the sets but little to disguise the lack of a coherent script. Very very poor. I'm now looking forward, with eager anticipation, to the sequel, which is, by all accounts, even worse.
  3. Mystery Train
    - Sometimes Merriol and I manage to agree on a film we want to watch together. She shoves aside her pile of Doris Day and Chicky-Flicky Rom-Coms and I eschew the delights of scantily clad space bimbos and cardboard spaceships long enough to enjoy a real movie. The only director we both agree is a genius is Jim Jarmush.

  4. vlcsnap-459857
    Mystery Men is pretty good too
    and on the same shelf.

  5. 12:08 East of Bucharest
    - on a roll, escaping the treadmill of Z-Grade B-features with rubber monsters and scripts assembled from a kit of parts, I launched myself with glee into my second 'Art House' movie of the week, a Cannes Award Winner no less! 'A droll delight' - The Times ' Funny, eccentric... wonderful' - Evening Standard, 'Bored the fucking tits off me' - Junk Monkey.

    The only decent shot in the whole thing.

  6. Night of the Ghouls
    - It is a truth universally acknowledged that sequels are never as good as the movies they are sequelling. But what happens when the original movie is a grade A turd like Ed Wood's delirious Bride Of The Monster? Can anything be worse than the movie most famous for Bela Lugosi fighting a giant rubber octopus in three inches of water? (See January's list). Night of the Ghouls is the sequel - and it is even worse. And it's worse right from the very beginning. It goes downhill from there very fast. There is a bewildering dreamlike quality to Wood's films in which logic and all known storytelling techniques evaporate before your very eyes in an orgy of wrongness... Love it.

    The only decent shot in the whole thing.

    I suppose the most notable thing about this movie is the fact that it remained unreleased for some 25 years; it was locked in a vault because Wood couldn't afford to pay the lab bills.
  7. Elf
    - It was Christmas (nearly). My heart fell when Holly picked this as The Film We Were All Going To Watch tonight as part of the regular Friday Night Pizza and Movie night. By the end of it I had that It's A Wonderful Life / Miracle on 34th Street* feeling. I was actually snivelling. I'm such a girl sometimes.

    *The 1947 original with Edmund Gwen - not the crappy remake.
  8. Millenium
    - almost interesting SF movie (by a real SF writer!) which starts with an interesting premise - for not quite clearly explained reasons, time travellers from the future are rescuing the victims of plane crashes just before they die - which just falls to pieces under the weight of the crappy design, rubbish casting, and gigantic plot holes.
  9. Manhunt in Space
    - (MST3K) More Rocky Jones TV episodes nailed together into the rough simulacrum of a movie. The prestigious JunkMonkey SuperScience Gizmo of the Month Award goes to Professor Newton's Cold Light Device, explained, almost thusly, by heroic Rocky Jones to his comedy side-kick 'Winky'.
    "The filament in the vacuum tube is quickly bought to a temperature of about minus 342 degrees centigrade. Heat can affect us so that images that can't normally be seen, can be seen by the human eye - like the mirages that appear in a hot desert. Intense cold can have the opposite effect and blot out images that are actually there. When this is switched on, the rays sent out by the terribly cold light will surround the spaceship and make it invisible."
    Why this incredibly cold ray doesn't freeze the tits off anyone within a couple of miles, or coat the ship in a frosting of ice when it lands on a planet with atmosphere is never explained - though it may be the reason I can never find anything in my freezer when I'm looking for it.
  10. Being From Another Planet
    - (MST3K) But being from this one I... I have no idea how to end that joke.
  11. Invasion of the Neptune Men
    - (MST3K) Japanese superhero SF movie that looks like episodes of a crappy kids TV series nailed together into the rough simulacrum of a movie - but wasn't. It was a real movie. Most plot points were delivered via an endless number of press conference, or public announcements, with hordes of people gathered round a single transistor radio, or by six small boys in short trousers who ran everywhere in a group and pointed at everything, shouting things like: "Hurray for the Electro Barrier!"
  12. Intervista
    - I think I just fell in love with Fellini.
  13. Twin Peaks : Fire Walk With Me
    - Not Lynch's best movie - a pretty needless addition to the TV series. I guess the money was too good to turn down.

I had copied something else in there and had to go find it again.

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