Monday, July 02, 2007

Sorry to do this to you again but it's end of the quarter, info-dumping, backup my What I've Watched For The Past Three Month's time again, and what a fine crop of crap I have been watching too:

  1. The Norman Rockwell Code - Funny little parody of Dan Brown's thing. See it here.
  2. Gremloids - silly low-budget Star Wars spoofoid, that makes me laugh.
  3. Death Race 2000 - I finally got to see it! I've been trying to get to see this movie for about 20 years on and off. Dated but it still has it's moments.
  4. Alien Contamination - Gory cheapo Italian Alien rip-off with an interesting solution to the famous and perennial Bad Italian Movie Dubbing Problem - gas masks.
  5. How To Get Ahead in Advertising - Hmmmmmm my internal jury is still out.
  6. Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell - (MST3K) - oh I am so overwhelmed with indifference.
  7. Blue Velvet- Five Stars! I just love the weird unearthly quality of Lynch's movies. They are like semi lucid dreams - bad dreams but dreams.
  8. Memoirs of an Invisible Man - brain dead mediocrity from John Carpenter that kept my eyes occupied as I kept the sofa warm. (24 hours later the true horror of what I had done hit me. I had watched an ENTIRE Chevy Chase movie.... and laughed.) then going from the rediculous to the sublime the next night I watched:
  9. Cyrano de Bergerac - The 1990 version with Gérard Depardieu. I was hooked from the opening shot and I was in tears by the end. A magnificent movie. Why did it take me so long to get round to watching it? Why don't I speak French? FIVE STAR PLUS! and then some. Next night, wanting to avoid any disappointment, I watched:
  10. Good Against Evil - a total Turd of a Rosemary's Baby / Exorcist clone TV pilot. I kid you not. A 1977 TV pilot about a lone wanderer and his priest sidekick/mentor seeking, week after week, his one true love who an evil sect have groomed since her birth to be the bride of the devil Astaroth. I can just see the light bulb going on over the producer's head "The Exorcist: The TV Series? How can it fail?!" It did.
  11. Alien Zone - A 1978 portmanteaux 'Horror' film made in Oklahoma. However bad that sounds to you the reality was worse.
  1. Dünyayi kurtaran adam (AKA The Turkish Star Wars) - My god! I am watching this movie in instalments. There is only so much of it I can take at one sitting. It is insane. Imagine, if you can, a Science Fiction Bollywood Kung-fu film with great chunks of Star Wars sliced in seemingly at random and the subtitles written in pure Borat. It is incomprehensible and hilarious in equal measure. The Star Wars footage was spliced in from an anamorphic print (all squashed up and needing to be projected through a special lens to make it widescreen) while the Turkish bits were shot in academy format (more squareish). Result? The Death Star looks more like the Death Egg. Huge fun. Watch it on line free here.
  2. Eraserhead - I get at last! This must be the fourth time I've seen this movie and I finally get it! It's a comedy!
  3. Space Mutiny - (MST3K) A good week for really bad movies made in exotic locations using bits of far better movies in an attempt to make themselves look more expensive. First Turkey, now South Africa. If I tell you that the 'better movie' in this case was Battlestar Galactica you will get an idea how truly bad this was. The MST3K version is here if you want.
  4. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? - (MST3K) I've been finding a lot of Mystery Science Theatre 3000s on the web at the moment (At this point I should like to say "Woohoo! Google Video Rocks!" - but I'm a middle aged Brit and it would sound wrong so I'm not going to.)
  5. Robot Holocaust - (MST3K) Dire, stand in a line, and deliver barely intelligible, barely memorised lines, crap 80s SF directed by someone who went on to greater things - directing porn movies.
  6. Godzilla Vs Megalon - (MST3K) Sweaty Japanese guys in rubber suits thump each other a lot
  7. The Robot Vs. The Aztec Mummy - (MST3K) This counts as three movies! A 1958 Mexican threequell, the first 2/3rds of which consisted of the first two movies in the series rehashed in stonkingly clumsy flashback, which culminates in a hilariously stupid fight between the Aztec Mummy and a radioactive robot with no knees that looked like it came out of a Crash Corrigan serial. Why do I watch this stuff - i mean why?
  8. Future War - (MST3K) Belgian kick-boxer from outer space teams up with novice ex-hooker nun to defeat pursuing alien android overlords and their variably-sized trained killers dinosaurs. God, it must have looked so good on paper...
  9. The Space Children - (MST3K) Better than not very good, low budget, cold war, aliens saving us from all out thermo-nuclear heck movie.
  10. Operation Double 007 aka Operation Kid Brother aka Secret Agent 00 aka OK Connery - (MST3K) an Italian 1967 James Bond knock-off / spoof and the screen début of the great, and tragically neglected Neil Connery, brother of Sean Connery, who thanks to an amazing bit of casting, plays the brother of the world's most famous secret agent, a lip-reading, plastic surgeon with oriental hypno-powers, by the name of Dr Neil Connery. How I laughed.
  11. The Man Who Would Be King - More Connery - blessed synchronicity. Loved this film for years. Cracking acting and effortless direction.
  12. Alphaville aka Dick Tracy on Mars, or Tarzan vs. IBM - Laugh out loud, part Noir pastiche, part incomprehensible existential European SF by Jean-Luc Goddard.
  13. Rocketship X-M -
  14. The Independent - as a break from the cheesy low budget movies - a very funny little movie about a cheesy low budget movie director. I so want to see Twelve Angry Men And a Baby.
  15. Bedknobs and Broomsticks -
  16. Rocketship X-M - (MST3K) I have watched two different versions of this very dull movie in the last two days. I suspect I will shortly need medical help. (I mean, apart from anything else, I find it slightly scary that I OWN two different versions of this very dull movie.)
  17. The Day The Earth Froze - (MST3K) 1959 Finnish Wagnerian weirdness. One Finnish movie a year is enough.
  18. The Fury Of The Wolfman - bewilderingly bad 1964 Spanish werewolf movie.
  19. The Projected Man - (MST3K) Dull British clone of The Fly.
  20. Prince of Space - (MST3K) Yet another serial rendered down to a movie length mess - this is the fourth I have seen this year. It is not a form that lends itself to any kind of appreciation as it has no redeeming qualities what so ever.
  21. The Nightmare Never Ends - Total 70s horror shit, but with three Directors on the credits and two DPs why did I expect anything else?
  1. The Lost Continent - Cheap Lost World knock off containing footage lifted from (Dear god! Noooooo!) Rocketship X-M
  2. Lady Ice -Dull Thomas Crown wannabee that seemed to be have been made by filming Donald Sutherland on holiday.
  3. Counterblast - 1948 British 'thriller'.
  4. The Hound of The Baskervilles - Hammer films, l love 'em, total tosh but great tosh.
  5. The Phantom Planet - dreadful early 60s SF
  6. The Bride of the Monster - Ed Wood Jr's second greatest bad film with some truly inspired weird acting moments from Bela Lugosi.
  7. Rancho Notorious - Great title! Fritz Lang, Marline Deitrich. and Cowboys. Odd.
  8. Dark City - gorgous comic book nonsence. If you ever watch it keep the sound down until the watch shows 12, as it has one of those dreadful tacked on pre-credit narrations that fuck up the whole mystery before it starts.
  9. The Dresser - Tom Courtney. What a brilliant performance and this is one of the reasons I don't watch good films. I was was an emotional wreck at the end of this movie. I have to stop watching films about long unexpressed love. I've seen two recently, Cyrano and this, and I was snivelling wreck at the end of both of them. Hanky jobs both times. I'm going back to watching androids fighting; cheap 60s SF movies don't make me feel life an emotional dishrag at the end.


Phoebe J. Southwood said...

eyes gone blurry where am I?

Junk Monkey said...

Funny, that's the way I felt after watching most of these too

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